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How To Handle Rejection In Relationships: Without Losing Your Mind

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As the final part of the “Rejection series”, I want to bring this discourse to a close with an experience all grown folk know something about.

It goes by various names: Getting dumped, being dropped, finished with, kicked to the curb –  to name a few.

But the worst one of all; has got to be being told “I don’t love you anymore”

Can I get a witness!

I was going to say if you have never been the ‘dumpee’- then you may want to pack up shop and go home, except please don’t, stay; take a load off. This post is as much for you, as it is for anyone else.

Why?

Because there is 99% chance that you too will experience rejection within a relationship. It’s almost inevitable.

None of us are immune to it…

Not the super rich, super pretty, super slim, super successful, super powerful, super confident, super blah blah blah. None of us.

At some appointed time, you’ll suffer the gut wrenching pain of separating from a person you are in relationship with, a person you love, a person you shared a home, life, dreams, aspiration, memories and experiences with. And, or, God forbid – children…

I think it’s important to clarify that I’m not talking about an abusive relationship here; you know the type you really had no business being in; in the first place. But rather the sort of relationship that overall was pretty amazing, until it wasn’t any more.

Rejection by the person you love can make otherwise sane people turn temporarily or permanently; nuts. It causes people to walk into department stores and shoot their lover then themselves - dead. They call this a crime of passion, but I’d call it a crime of pain and the statistics for these types of crimes; are higher than you’d feel comfortable knowing.

Pain will make you do some seriously crazy-ass shit!

However, no matter the situation that led to your rejection in love; you are able to choose a more  empowered response to it, and despite what the relationship gurus tell you, there are no wrong or right answers. But just like anything in life, some ways of dealing with things are more successful than others.

From one who has walked a mile or 5, in your shoes…I’d like to  share what I’ve learn’t.

How to handle rejection in relationships

What are you supposed to do when your love becomes disposable?

 

Let’s start with what NOT to do!

Don’t:

1. Beg them not to leave you. “If you love something let it go, if it comes back it’s your, if it doesn’t; it never was.” That platitude remains as true today, as it was when I first saw in daubed on a toilet wall circa 1999. Do not beg anyone,’not to leave you’. If they want to go; hold open the door and close it quietly behind them.

2. Tell the whole world. When the person you love tells you; they know longer love you, or ends the relationship in some other heart-breaking way. After the initial shock has worn off, one of two things may happen. You may feel mortified with shame and not want to tell anyone, or you won’t be able to shut up about it. Choose a few select people who love you unconditionally and let it all hang out, but don’t broadcast it on Facebook, Twitter, or to everyone in your blackberry and email address book.

Be discerning about whom you share your pain and the intricacies of your most intimate relationships with. In the event that you do get back together, do you want everyone to the length, depth and breadth of…errr…everything. If you’re a grown up, I think not!

Maintain your discretion.

3. Stalk them. Call every day, text every day, email every day. Trying to maintain contact in the hope that they will have a change of heart or you will somehow worm your way back into their affections; rarely ever works. It just makes you seam desperate, and nothing is more of a turn off than desperation.

4. Believe the old adage that “the quickest way to get over someone, is to get under someone else.”  Unless you’re 19 and it’s your first time on‘ heart-break hill’, a passionate jump may do wonders for your ego and scratch an itch. But the reality is, more often than not your far too raw, needy and confused; to enter into any sort of casual sexual or emotional relationship with anyone in the early stages of a breakup.

You don’t have to become a man or woman of the cloth…but you can’t ‘screw the pain away’ – just saying

5. Lie about what happened, or how you’re feeling. There are some ways to break up that are less traumatic than others. There are some reasons for breaking up that you may never want to tell another. You have a right to maintain your discretion about anything, but the last person you want to lie to is yourself.

‘Own’ what happened and acknowledge your role in the situation (because you will have one), but don’t deny how you’re feeling. It’s ok to be a crying, wailing, jibber jabbering disaster – for a period of time. You’re officially allowed to feel bad, and don’t let anyone tell you any different.

So what ‘should’ you do ?

6. Don’t be too proud try and work things out. If you’ve invested years of your life into a person and share a positive history with them, then your a fool if you let pride or the the opinion of others, get in the way of you trying to work things through. However, the desire to do this has to swing both ways, and if one partner is willing to work on the relationship whilst the other is not –  it won’t work. You have to both want to fix what has gone wrong.

7. Tell them exactly how you feel, don’t hold anything back. Why should you? Say what your thinking, how they’ve made you feel, why you feel like you have been treated badly. Let them have it, even if you hurt their feelings with a few home truths. But don’t scream and act like a banshee as this is counterproductive to them actually LISTENING to you, simply speak your truth.

If you can’t verbally articulate it, then write it in a letter; but say what needs to be said. Then if you forgot anything, go back and say what you missed, express yourself until you’re empty ( there is a difference between expressing yourself and stalking, don’t cross that line ;-) )

But you should bare in mind that you may not get the sort of response you would like, if you get any response at all!  Emptying your heart on their door-step is not about them, it’s about you. Many will tell you, to “say nothing, and act as if you don’t care”. I disagree.

If you were so indifferent to the relationship continuing or ending, then why the hell were you in it in the first place?

8. Have some self-respect and sense of perspective. When a person you love rejects you, it can be so easy to assume all of  the blame – for everything. “I failed them, I wasn’t good enough, If I’d done x,y,z, they would still be here”. Ra ra ra….

There is nothing further from the truth.

When what is clearly a committed relationship comes to an abrupt end, if there have not been several joint attempts to get the relationship back on track, more often than not, this is about the other person and their ‘stuff’ and not about you. Remember that!

It’s funny how eloquent, articulate and expressive people can be when they’re “talking you into bed love, but how confused, mono-syllabic and pathetic they can be; when their falling out of it ?

A person’s failure to communicate their wants, needs, desires and/or feelings of unhappiness – is not your fault. You are not responsible for another persons happiness, ever! And if they feel that YOU are the direct cause of their unhappiness and want to leave, then you need to accept that and let this confused person go.

The end…

I was gonna tell you a sad story about the love I lost and a broken heart lying in a million pieces on the kitchen floor, but Amy Winehouse did it so much better and I really can’t be bothered. It’s not like I’m original or anything.

But the heart of my story is this:

“If the person you love with all you are, can’t see the value, beauty and treasure in you and your life together. Then they don’t deserve you, and probably never did. There is nothing better than time to tell the true metal, strength and depth of a persons character, and whilst it might feel like you’re losing your mind with grief, you are ultimately better off without them. ”

Your job is to do some work on yourself, because nobodies perfect, forgive yourself for whatever role you played in things not being ‘golden’- then keep it moving. It’s might also help to know that in many long term relationships, quite often it’s the one who jumped shipped that ends up regretting it the most and for the longest.

And if you’re really looking for the next step of evolution,  consider forgiving the one who left you and wishing them well in finding what they really want. (Chances are, they don’t even know)

  • What have I missed, is there any advice I’ve given here you disagree with
  • What things have you done to recover from rejection in relationships

As always the comments are open for your thoughts and opinions, and if you think this post will help others; then I’d love if you shared it with them.

It’s all love.xx


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